Hi, my name’s Nabeela, I'm seventeen years old and I'm currently living in a terrifying, and quite frankly exhausting, limbo. I'm stuck between desperately wanting to go out, to feel the sun rays dance across my skin and to have the summer of my dreams before everything changes. But instead, I'm unable to sleep soundly, I'm struggling to carry out the simplest of tasks, I'm perpetually drowsy and I'm painfully miserable because of it.
Three weeks ago I had an operation on my left foot. Now I'm generally a strong person when it comes to these things. Being under general anaesthetic for over two hours doesn’t particularly faze me and I’m usually able to handle the unbearable pain. Believe me when I say that I understand the concept of no pain equals no gain.
Yet the past few weeks have been the toughest that I've had to face in 2015 so far. I even miraculously got through the unexpected side effects of taking extremely strong painkillers, after having to endure more agony than I could have ever imagined. Never did I envisage feeling completely helpless and surrendering to my body’s needs.
I hate having to tell my college that I can't carry out my new role of student ambassador over the summer. I hate how I can't pray alongside my family in Ramadan and I hate how I have to think twice before making plans in case I'll have to cancel them because I'm physically unable.
But I also didn't anticipate the flip side of the situation. How grateful I would feel for my family’s patience as they run around and get me everything I need. For being understanding when I got angry and frustrated at myself in my weak moments. For learning that I'm much stronger than I ever thought I could be and that this hurdle is far from permanent.
Happiness is a mood, not a destination. Right now I would be lying to you if I said that I was happy. Instead I have moments where I'm happy, to the point that I've forgotten my situation completely. And the sad truth is, that's also temporary.
We should never have this dream of happiness, as if it is this heavenly destination that we have to reach in order to finally be okay within ourselves. Instead we should cherish these moments and learn from them, otherwise we'll always remain in this dark and unhealthy limbo with no exit sign in sight.
Realising that sadness is temporary gives us hope, and knowing that happiness is not a destination gives us freedom.
So hi, my name’s Nabeela, I'm seventeen years old and I'm currently living in a terrifying, and quite frankly exhausting, limbo. And yes, I'm painfully miserable because of it, but I'm okay with that.