‘People aren’t locked doors. You can get through to them if you want.’
I believe that honesty is the key to unlock these locked doors, these barriers, these high walls that people put up in front of them. If you’re honest and open with them, they will return you the favour and be honest and open with you. And that is what I want my blog to be; a truthful representation of who I am. I want to be able to feel comfortable sharing the deep dark thoughts and emotions that I feel late at night. So I decided to bite the bullet and share the thoughts and questions that are currently churning in a section of my mind labelled: ‘NEVER REVEAL TO ANYONE’. This is probably the most real and raw post I’ll ever write and I know I’m exposing deep wounds but I feel like it needs to be said. *Takes deep breath* Here it goes.
As most of you know the last few months of 2014 were bursting with elation, contentment and bliss. It had felt like the earth’s plates were shifting, and gradually they clicked and found their rightful positions. For once it felt like the world was on my side. But on the 31st of December I felt them shift an inch into a different position and something didn’t feel quite right.
I felt infuriated with myself. Why couldn’t I maintain this good stint of perpetual happiness? Why did I have to return to that horrid and empty feeling of nothingness? Due to this transformation inside of me I shut my family out. I ignored them, I was rude, moody, stuck, lost, hopeless. Looking back I know it was so wrong but I felt like I needed to segregate myself, almost isolate myself in my room to figure things out. It was like it only needed one thread to be out of place and once that was tugged the rest of them followed like a dominoes downfall, leaving me frayed and broken, followed with my bedroom floor being littered with angry tears.
“I’m okay” I tell my family.
My heart and mind embodies millions of ideas and dreams but I just can’t seem to find the energy to charge my batteries and fulfil them. Does that make sense? Thankfully I’ve never been an extreme over thinker, I have a fixed stoicism attitude and have always managed to push any lingering thoughts to the back of my mind and sleep, but something’s changed. The tossing and turning has irritatingly increased and I’m sitting in my uncomfortable bed at 3am eating a bowl of pineapple chunks because it’s got to the point where I just feel numb.
Another thing has been worrying me and I know it shouldn’t because it’s so far away and insignificant in my life right now since I’m only in my first year of college. It’s this great terrifying thing called university. I’m not sure if I want to go… I do for the crazy experience, the life-changing friends I’d make, the growth that will stem inside of me and the independence. But I just feel like I am capable of doing something bigger. My writing is like my golden ticket into these bigger adventures and life is just too damn short to be trapped in an inescapable bubble of essays and revision for another three years. Call it impatience but I feel like this abrupt step up into adulthood is something I need to do. These thoughts have been sizzling inside my head for far too long and now it’s starting to burn, it’s pounding against my skull causing sickness to overthrow any rationalism.
“I’m okay” I tell my friends, smiling and laughing like nothing’s wrong.
Then this created a catalyst of dangerous thoughts about the future. Thoughts about a hopeful career, marriage, moving out. And I desperately don’t want to think about it but its edging closer and closer, it’s intimidating.
I hate this part of who I am. I’m sitting here wallowing in my room, watching episode after episode of One Tree Hill and spending hours scrolling through pointless tweets and watching YouTube videos of people achieving their dreams. I know I can do it but it just seems like I’m in a bit of a lost limbo on the outskirts of the universe and can’t seem to return to reality. In an odd way I want to go back to college because at least then I’ll be doing something, interacting with humans, having a goal for the day. It distracts me from the nagging voices inside my head.
Do you ever get that? Is there ever a certain period of time where you feel like you’re slipping and have nothing to hold onto to keep you standing? It’s like that common dream people have where they suddenly feel like they’re falling and their heart drops because the feeling is so vivid and real.
I know this is a very inarticulate post where I’m just writing the copious amount of thoughts that I’ve kept buried inside my head. Maybe it’s the pressurising stress of mock exams or simply just a blip that life’s journey occasionally brings, but thankfully writing has been my saviour, my knight in shining armour if you will, and I’m so grateful for that. I wrote this right at the beginning of the new year so things have changed since then, life’s still an unpredictable rollercoaster, but it’s better. Now that I’ve returned to college and that beautiful sunrise I see in the early hours has fled through my cracking bones and stitched the frayed seams, I have a feeling that I’ll be okay.
“Maybe not today, perhaps not even tomorrow, but I will be okay.” I tell myself.
Thank you for the constant inspiring support. I promise I’ll be much more cheerful in my next post but this is where I am in my life right now. Honesty really is the way forward so feel free to vent to me too and remember that every tear spilt is a precious moment wasted.