The dust settled in distinct patterns and the glorious autumnal shades danced around me in a blur of daydreams. October you have proven to be placid, reflective and above all, merciful. You held my hand as I began to walk properly for the first time after my operation, you showed me patience as I expressed my anger towards the world and all its injustice on the days when the exterior was perfect but the inside was wrong. Though it hasn’t been easy and my rollercoaster life continues to surprise me with its unpredictability, I am content.
I saw Ed Sheeran this month and the utter euphoria bathed me as I danced with flailing arms. I received my first A grade in a brand new subject that I was constantly told I wouldn’t do well in. I realised this month that I am in control and only I can change the unchangeable if I persist.
I am no longer ‘chewing wildflowers to numb the pain’, instead I am fighting, clawing, ripping at every chance I get. When darkness bestowed itself upon me and looming shadows took control I seeked light. Perhaps just a flicker but I battled on and fought my enemies, even if my enemies were what stared back at me in the mirror.
I don’t know October. You have been what some people may call monotonous, repetitious, nothing but a mere filler in the twelve months of 2014. But with Halloween lurking and Christmas approaching I know this is a sign. A signal sent to tell me to slow down and listen to my body screaming out for the slumber it desperately desires.
I was a foolish mess some nights, a crying heap curled up in my bed at 2am but there was an odd sense of beauty in that. The lamp post lights seeped through my blinds as I questioned my existence and whether I, a miniscule grain of sand in this captivating world, was actually making a difference. I wondered how someone as ordinary as me could contribute to the bigger picture. I wondered whether I was living or just existing.
And after thinking it through I whispered to myself:
“Shut up Nabeela, you do matter.”
After some reassurance and hastily wiping away tears, I switched off and fell into a state of satisfied unconsciousness. And when tomorrow arrived the vicious cycle repeated. Life really is a crazy whimsical journey isn’t it?
You haven’t done a great deal to be honest October. You’ve just carried me along into November but I thank you. You have shown me the inevitable death of life but also the rebirth of me as a young woman; and I’m finally shedding off the dead weight and beginning to blossom into the remarkable human I’ve always craved to be.
If you want to check out my ‘Dear September’ post you can find it here.
‘Chewing wildflowers to numb the pain’ is in quote marks because it’s a lyric from Among the Wildflowers by The Hotelier.
How was October for you?